I have been feeling a little irritable this week, which is normal as a woman with the cyclical changes and I have gotten used to it. I reach a point each month where I begin to cry and need to lay in my bed for a couple of hours with some cathartic music (tonight it’s the ever talented Laura Marling). I don’t need to be fixed, I just need to know that it’s okay. I used to try to escape this build up of tension and emotional release because it makes life difficult for those around me, it’s confusing for someone that doesn’t experience it. I had planned on doing the primary series of Ashtanga, but knew I needed rest. I would have avoided this opportunity to sit in discomfort and loss of control if I had practiced, simply because with this mind frame I would have pushed myself into a state of no-feeling, instead of honouring the practice; my intuition told me not to practice and for once I listened. I am pleased with myself for that.
It’s so strange what this change in hormones can do to me. Once upon a time I simply morphed into a fire-breathing dragon and let loose on anyone that got in my way, now I am aware that I am starting to grow scales and try to ride the wave with compassion for myself. It’s okay to be weak for a moment or two, to cry for seemingly no reason and to need to lie down in the foetus position with your son’s teddy.
I must say I attribute some of my growing awareness to the treatments I have received from some very gifted practitioners. They have helped open myself up to trusting my own gut feeling and internal visions so that I can now choose ahimsa every time. Shout out to Kylie and David for your wonderful work.
I am not entirely sure where this blog post is heading but it feels good to write.
I noticed during my asana practice yesterday that I could feel a ball of fear in my solar plexus, yet I couldn’t figure out what it’s cause was. I find it difficult to breathe into my middle lung, which is exactly where the solar plexus resides; my centre of power. My breath naturally goes straight from my lower belly into my upper lung, as if a tight band were secured around my lower ribs and as much as I try to surrender to it’s journey, my mind can’t help but to try and analyse it. Why is the fear here? What am I afraid of? I find myself adding a new tab to the screen and typing the words, ‘restriction in….’ but I stop myself because I know in my heart that Google can’t see inside me. Only I can peer that deep inside to find out the answers to my questions. So there is really only one thing left to do; put the key pad away and sink down into the sensation and let it speak to me, and somehow I already know what the answer is going to be – more love.
All too often we are trying to fix the world’s injustices and find kindness for others that we forget to be kind ourselves, but the truth is: We can’t be genuinely kind to others until we fill up the kindness in ourselves. There will be cracks in the kindness because we can’t give out something we don’t have. I need to fill up my kindness cup so I can be a better person tomorrow; without the fear holding me back from giving non-judgementally and unconditionally.
Have a beautiful weekend ❤