The challenging part about doing the work is, the more I do, the more I realise how much there is still to do. The best part is knowing that I’ve already taken the hardest step. I have accepted responsibility for my own behaviour and the reality of what that means – no more running away from situations I don’t like; especially when it brings up all those emotions that make me want to collapse and give up.
Right now I want to fall apart, and in the past I would have but I am strong, much stronger than I ever knew. I continuously discover this during my yoga practice, when I sit, smack bang in the middle of all the uncomfortable sensations and let them weigh me down for a while, until they dissipate – so that I may fly high.
Today I trusted my teacher to show me where I was holding onto pain; I could feel the sorrow in the pit of my abdomen but couldn’t seem to access it efficiently. So we worked strongly into my core in my physical practice, taking postures that made my breath struggle. I cried twice during the hour, gained forgiveness from one and lessons from another. I felt humility, sadness and gratitude simultaneously. I felt weaknesses I didn’t know were there, observed them, inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. A strength rose from inside me that I didn’t know I had. My past, present and future ceased to be linear; I knew that what I had to do in that moment and it wasn’t what I wanted to do – because what I wanted would just perpetuate the unhealthy habits I had come to know.
The further I journey into my practice, the closer I get to the inner layers of my person. These layers are the most uncomfortable because they have been harbouring my shit for years. I have noticed this the more I advance in my physical practice; I cry in almost every session now. My magnificent body has taken all of my fears, pain, rejection, anger, frustrations and sorrow, and it has held onto it so that I can get on with life – what a saint! I can only imagine how difficult it must be for a person on their death bed with all of this still residing in their body; how painful it must be to try and settle all of your unfinished business in such a short time. No wonder people have so many regrets as they lay down to die.
The strength I find in and of my practice isn’t the type that forces me to push ny fears aside and march forth with ignorance – no – it is the type if strength that encourages me to face my fears head on and move forward, THROUGH them! A favourite passage for many yogis from the Bhagavad Gita says,
“Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self, to the self”
And that’s exactly how it feels! I could never have known myself the way I do now if I did not pull out my mat or my meditation cushion regularly… daily.
Doing the work can seem hard compared to watching a movie or eating ice cream; however, in the long run it will make life much easier and more enjoyable. I say that like it is a fact because it is!